Quit Pulling Your Punches

Man, we hedge our bets a great deal. It’s especially obvious online.

I’m not sure when or how we decided that we had to disclaim everything we say personally. Perhaps it’s the litigious world we’ve come to live in, or the over abundance of political “correctness”, but it’s more pervasive than ever, and it’s not a good thing.

When I asked why we insist on using things like IMO (In My Opinion) when buttressing our personal statements, Ryan Wynia was smart to point out that we feel the need to soften the impact of our personal perspective. That drives me a bit nuts.

If the words exit your mouth or keyboard, by default they have your mark on them, even if you’re sharing or restating someone else’s words. It’s like tacit endorsement, unless you’re careful to state otherwise. There are precious few irrefutable facts on the planet. And if you’re merely quoting and actively questioning without agreeing, that’s when you’d better be pretty clear about that, because the default setting in most dialogue is unadulterated and subjective opinion.

So here’s my PSA: Quit pulling your punches.

If you’re going to state something that warrants putting in out there online, own it. Stand on your own two feet. Be prepared to discuss, debate, defend, and listen.

Tagging your statement with “in my opinion” doesn’t soften the blow if you’re being offensive. It doesn’t absolve you of responsibility if your thoughts are controversial, accusatory, or if you’re asserting a position that could incite debate. And if you have something strong and important to say, it simply dilutes your words with a meek little disclaimer that basically says people don’t have to give your thoughts any credence whatsoever.

We do the same thing with “just saying” or “just my .02″. It’s like we’re apologizing for having a stance, and I’m less and less okay with that.

It’s a noisy world out here, full of fluff and pandering and nonsense. I, for one, am asking each of you to be proud of the thoughts you have and share them with confidence. We need your strength of character. The beauty of minds is that they can always be changed. You can change your opinion, too, if you find that your perspective has shifted. And you know what? When that happens, own that, too.

The world is full of ambivalence, of risk mitigation, of qualified statements and milquetoasts and deliberate middle ground. And while I don’t think you need to kick up dirt just for the sake of it, we’d all do well to demonstrate that if we believe our thoughts worthy of public air, we have the courage to take ownership of them, too.

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http://twitter.com/scottpdailey Scott Dailey

To me, adding the obvious qualifiers is an exercise in being explicit with the written word to that specific portion of the panel that may need that degree of clarity in their diet. I’m not trying to water down my message or make it kinder, gentler. Not a bit. I’m merely – I mean merely – trying be inclusive. This approach has been fashioned by evolution. I’ve learned that some cannot handle intense debate. But I don’t want to exclude them. And though they may ultimately be better suited to a community where the love flows like wine from the heavens, while they’re here, I would just assume accommodate where possible.

Amber Naslund

I don’t even think this is exclusive to intense debate. I think it’s much more an indicator that we are utterly fearful of being held responsible for what we put out there. I’d much rather state something – even something simple – and have to answer for it or explain it futher – even be given the opportunity to think about it and restate it altogether – than to always water down my thoughts by thinking that saying “but it’s just my opinion” makes what I say any less subject to misinterpretation.

http://twitter.com/scottpdailey Scott Dailey

Well played. But I’m not sure I agree I’m using crutches, so much as I am using tact to deliver a message to a diverse audience. And I say that knowing I can always get better as a writer. But I could just as easily argue that I’m achieving the preferred outcome by tailoring my speak to include all aptitudes. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time filling folks with fluff and empty genstures, but it is all together possible the individuals engaged in this killer debate (thanks again Amber) are not qualified to arbitrate over what makes for a sound, fair minded and acceptible use of the gentle qualifying disclaimers and preambles. When I use them, they’re not being used to pull punches. I’m using them to avoid losing an audience member who’s needs are easy enough to satisfy. I accpet your challenge regardless, but do not think I use crutches where my abilities are failing me. Those are precisely the times I am using my ability to be diplomatic.

Amber Naslund

The comment about crutches was actually to Jim, up above. But the challenge remains! I’d much prefer we try harder to use substantive words and clear communication to put forward our thoughts. I think the true diplomacy is in the selection and communication of the thought, not the qualifiers that follow.

http://twitter.com/scottpdailey Scott Dailey

To me, adding the obvious qualifiers is an exercise in being explicit with the written word to that specific portion of the panel that may need that degree of clarity in their diet. I’m not trying to water down my message or make it kinder, gentler. Not a bit. I’m merely – I mean merely – trying be inclusive. This approach has been fashioned by evolution. I’ve learned that some cannot handle intense debate. But I don’t want to exclude them. And though they may ultimately be better suited to a community where the love flows like wine from the heavens, while they’re here, I would just assume accommodate where possible.

Amber Naslund

I don’t even think this is exclusive to intense debate. I think it’s much more an indicator that we are utterly fearful of being held responsible for what we put out there. I’d much rather state something – even something simple – and have to answer for it or explain it futher – even be given the opportunity to think about it and restate it altogether – than to always water down my thoughts by thinking that saying “but it’s just my opinion” makes what I say any less subject to misinterpretation.

http://twitter.com/scottpdailey Scott Dailey

Well played. But I’m not sure I agree I’m using crutches, so much as I am using tact to deliver a message to a diverse audience. And I say that knowing I can always get better as a writer. But I could just as easily argue that I’m achieving the preferred outcome by tailoring my speak to include all aptitudes. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time filling folks with fluff and empty genstures, but it is all together possible the individuals engaged in this killer debate (thanks again Amber) are not qualified to arbitrate over what makes for a sound, fair minded and acceptible use of the gentle qualifying disclaimers and preambles. When I use them, they’re not being used to pull punches. I’m using them to avoid losing an audience member who’s needs are easy enough to satisfy. I accpet your challenge regardless, but do not think I use crutches where my abilities are failing me. Those are precisely the times I am using my ability to be diplomatic.

Amber Naslund

The comment about crutches was actually to Jim, up above. But the challenge remains! I’d much prefer we try harder to use substantive words and clear communication to put forward our thoughts. I think the true diplomacy is in the selection and communication of the thought, not the qualifiers that follow.

http://mnphysicist.posterous.com/ Ron Amundson

Many folks dont have solid opinions, and as a result are not willing to jump in with a full bore assertion. Coming in with a imho, disclaimer, etc tames things a bit, and may provide for a less strenuous entry for some. Not everyone can jump into the middle of something full bore, some issues require percolation time.

In other cases, a counter opinion may be presented in a timid fashion as a way of subtle influence… and as a way of leading or drawing a conversation in a different direction, where upon full ownership of ideas comes to light over time.

Both of the above can be intentional strategies of dialog.

That being said, to present in a lame pc fashion because one doesnt want responsibility… thats another deal entirely.

Darryl

Fair point. But I would argue if a person doesn’t really have a solid opinion, wouldn’t they be better served to listen until they’ve formed such an opinion? Rather than venturing an “IMO” why not ask a question in order to learn more and develop their opinion?

http://mnphysicist.posterous.com/ Ron Amundson

Many folks dont have solid opinions, and as a result are not willing to jump in with a full bore assertion. Coming in with a imho, disclaimer, etc tames things a bit, and may provide for a less strenuous entry for some. Not everyone can jump into the middle of something full bore, some issues require percolation time.

In other cases, a counter opinion may be presented in a timid fashion as a way of subtle influence… and as a way of leading or drawing a conversation in a different direction, where upon full ownership of ideas comes to light over time.

Both of the above can be intentional strategies of dialog.

That being said, to present in a lame pc fashion because one doesnt want responsibility… thats another deal entirely.

Darryl

Fair point. But I would argue if a person doesn’t really have a solid opinion, wouldn’t they be better served to listen until they’ve formed such an opinion? Rather than venturing an “IMO” why not ask a question in order to learn more and develop their opinion?

http://www.bjasmine.com Brandi Jasmine

“… these disclaimers are an increasingly less subtle method of merely pandering to those maybe not so well equipped to field contentious discussions.” – Scott Dailey

Many times I catch myself saying “IMO” and “Just my 2 cents” with just these people in mind. There seem to be some people who think that *any* difference of opinion is rude or insulting … which becomes *their* justification for being rude and insulting. The worst flame wars I have seen have started out this way. You don’t have to be rude, vulgar or insulting to get a rise out of these people. You just have to have a different point of view, or fall into one of their categories of “evil doers”.

It’s not that I can’t write. I take the time to think my position through. In fact, I can be obsessive about getting a post “just so”. I’m not afraid to be rejected, confronted or debated, either. I can handle a debate or disagreement on any topic in question, in fact, I enjoy that. I’m sick of being told I’m being rude simply because I’ve disagreed, or being accused of being bigoted, stupid, wrong or evil because I’ve taken a position that’s too difficult for someone to refute any other way.

Written conversation lacks tone of voice and body language. I don’t see it as “pandering” when I use a disclaimer to make the point that I’m not being disrespectful or unfriendly with regards to a specific point. Some people feel the same way about smileys, but I see them liberally applied in the comments here

That being said, there is a core of truth in the basic premise here, and it’s worth considering.

Amber Naslund

So Brandi, riddle me this….

Is adding “IMO” to something or stating that a thought is just your opinion any LESS likely to incite a debate with someone who can’t take an opposing point of view?

Are the people with the kneejerk sensitivity to differing opinion swayed by softening a stance this way? I wouldn’t think so, but I’m curious about your take. I’m back to the idea that we do our best to state what we mean clearly, and to do so with respect, but have the confidence to stand up for what we think instead of couching everything as a preemptive strike against the hypersensitve out there.

And that’s an interesting point about smiley faces. You could absolutely interpret that the same way if you’re using it to somehow try and “make ok” a statement that could be interpreted otherwise. Then there’s probably plenty of other circumstances where they’re simply a replacement for absent body language, which is why I see those differently.

Thanks for the thoughtful comment.

Darryl

I use smiley faces merely for the fact that sometimes my off beat humor could be mistaken. I don’t see that as a IMO or a watering down of my opinions. After all, if I am joking, I want it to be understood it is a joke. And this isn’t always possible in written communication.

Brandi, people who are rude and obnoxious will be rude and obnoxious no matter what disclaimer you might put on it. I am over 50 years old and have worked with a lot of folks who are going to find a fight even if there is no fight there. From my own experience in face to face communication, public speaking, group discussion and written communication I have discovered there is a type of person who is going to find a reason to argue with you and take offense no matter how diplomatic you may be.

Certainly, and I think I know what you mean, you want to be diplomatic, gentle, and to avoid insensitivity. The assumption here is we are all trying to communicate a point without being impolite or insensitive.

But that is a question I would be interested in hearing more opinions on: how can you sensitively handle written communication, especially email, without using cliched expressions such as “IMO”? As I mentioned, thinking before writing is one…but are there other ideas?

http://www.bjasmine.com Brandi Jasmine

“… these disclaimers are an increasingly less subtle method of merely pandering to those maybe not so well equipped to field contentious discussions.” – Scott Dailey

Many times I catch myself saying “IMO” and “Just my 2 cents” with just these people in mind. There seem to be some people who think that *any* difference of opinion is rude or insulting … which becomes *their* justification for being rude and insulting. The worst flame wars I have seen have started out this way. You don’t have to be rude, vulgar or insulting to get a rise out of these people. You just have to have a different point of view, or fall into one of their categories of “evil doers”.

It’s not that I can’t write. I take the time to think my position through. In fact, I can be obsessive about getting a post “just so”. I’m not afraid to be rejected, confronted or debated, either. I can handle a debate or disagreement on any topic in question, in fact, I enjoy that. I’m sick of being told I’m being rude simply because I’ve disagreed, or being accused of being bigoted, stupid, wrong or evil because I’ve taken a position that’s too difficult for someone to refute any other way.

Written conversation lacks tone of voice and body language. I don’t see it as “pandering” when I use a disclaimer to make the point that I’m not being disrespectful or unfriendly with regards to a specific point. Some people feel the same way about smileys, but I see them liberally applied in the comments here

That being said, there is a core of truth in the basic premise here, and it’s worth considering.

Amber Naslund

So Brandi, riddle me this….

Is adding “IMO” to something or stating that a thought is just your opinion any LESS likely to incite a debate with someone who can’t take an opposing point of view?

Are the people with the kneejerk sensitivity to differing opinion swayed by softening a stance this way? I wouldn’t think so, but I’m curious about your take. I’m back to the idea that we do our best to state what we mean clearly, and to do so with respect, but have the confidence to stand up for what we think instead of couching everything as a preemptive strike against the hypersensitve out there.

And that’s an interesting point about smiley faces. You could absolutely interpret that the same way if you’re using it to somehow try and “make ok” a statement that could be interpreted otherwise. Then there’s probably plenty of other circumstances where they’re simply a replacement for absent body language, which is why I see those differently.

Thanks for the thoughtful comment.

Darryl

I use smiley faces merely for the fact that sometimes my off beat humor could be mistaken. I don’t see that as a IMO or a watering down of my opinions. After all, if I am joking, I want it to be understood it is a joke. And this isn’t always possible in written communication.

Brandi, people who are rude and obnoxious will be rude and obnoxious no matter what disclaimer you might put on it. I am over 50 years old and have worked with a lot of folks who are going to find a fight even if there is no fight there. From my own experience in face to face communication, public speaking, group discussion and written communication I have discovered there is a type of person who is going to find a reason to argue with you and take offense no matter how diplomatic you may be.

Certainly, and I think I know what you mean, you want to be diplomatic, gentle, and to avoid insensitivity. The assumption here is we are all trying to communicate a point without being impolite or insensitive.

But that is a question I would be interested in hearing more opinions on: how can you sensitively handle written communication, especially email, without using cliched expressions such as “IMO”? As I mentioned, thinking before writing is one…but are there other ideas?

http://www.ParmFarm.com Amy

Amber! Great post – IMO. All kidding aside though, it’s the fear of judgment that is behind all the hedging. And, if you don’t want people to judge you for your opinion, why have one? As a reporter, I’m paid NOT to have an opinion, but as a blogger, no opinion = no point.

Thanks for the post.
Amy
@ParmFarm
http://www.ParmFarm.com Amy

Amber! Great post – IMO. All kidding aside though, it’s the fear of judgment that is behind all the hedging. And, if you don’t want people to judge you for your opinion, why have one? As a reporter, I’m paid NOT to have an opinion, but as a blogger, no opinion = no point.

Thanks for the post.
Amy
@ParmFarm
http://www.marketingdissector.com Steve Parker

I respect all the commenters and their opinions here. But it’s sad to watch what started as a lively conversation about a smart post having to do with being candid and direct and not pulling punches devolve into a rambling, babbling ping pong match about the use of “IMO” or “IMHO.” I use IMHO all the time–it’s harmless, get over it! It’s a “tag” that says “warning Will Robinson–opinion up ahead” for those who want or need it. It also can be a tag that alerts the reader that the writer is in the process of forming an opinion, which is a legit and useful bit when used that way. It can inform the reader that the conversation about to ensue may play a role in said opinion formation. (Certainly sincere conversationalists would want to know this??)

I agree with Amber that using IMHO or 2 cents doesn’t soften the blow if one is being offensive or rude, but I have to say 90+% of the time I see people using them normally, just like IRL conversation.

Why spend so many cycles in effect trying to “regulate” other’s speech? It’s ridiculous, especially considering the context–a call for candor. Sorry, this is just me being candid and not pulling punches.
.-= Steve Parker´s last blog ..The cult of failure =-.

Amber Naslund

Steve -

It’s so funny you say that, because after replying to a few of the comments, I was thinking to myself that I was letting the conversation get into a language debate, when that’s never what I intended. The IMO thing is just an example of the larger point I was trying to raise, which is the problem with over qualifying everything we say online.

Thanks for setting me straight.

Amber
http://www.tradeshowinstitute.com Traci Browne

I would even say they use “in my opionion” correctly, not just normally.

Not to beat a dead horse but here is what our pals Merriam-Webster have to say…

Main Entry: opin·ion
Pronunciation: ?-?pin-y?n
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin opinion-, opinio, from opinari
Date: 14th century

1 a : a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter b : approval, esteem
2 a : belief stronger than impression and less strong than positive knowledge b : a generally held view
3 a : a formal expression of judgment or advice by an expert b : the formal expression (as by a judge, court, or referee) of the legal reasons and principles upon which a legal decision is based

— opin·ioned -y?nd adjective
synonyms opinion, view, belief, conviction, persuasion, sentiment mean a judgment one holds as true. opinion implies a conclusion thought out yet open to dispute . view suggests a subjective opinion . belief implies often deliberate acceptance and intellectual assent . conviction applies to a firmly and seriously held belief . persuasion suggests a belief grounded on assurance (as by evidence) of its truth . sentiment suggests a settled opinion reflective of one’s feelings .
Darryl

Very good Steve. But I don’t think this is about anyone regulating anyone’s speech. It is stating the opinion that “IMHO” and “IMO” is not owning up to the consequences of putting something out there. If someone wishes to use IMO so be it. But certainly there is nothing heavy handed or regulatory when someone else says: “I think it’s weak.”

You don’t have to agree with me and that’s OK.

We all have our opinions and I never consider it a waste of time to enter into conversation with anyone–whenever we discuss, even argue with open minds we both walk away changed–hopefully for the better. Can that really be a waste?

http://www.marketingdissector.com Steve Parker

I respect all the commenters and their opinions here. But it’s sad to watch what started as a lively conversation about a smart post having to do with being candid and direct and not pulling punches devolve into a rambling, babbling ping pong match about the use of “IMO” or “IMHO.” I use IMHO all the time–it’s harmless, get over it! It’s a “tag” that says “warning Will Robinson–opinion up ahead” for those who want or need it. It also can be a tag that alerts the reader that the writer is in the process of forming an opinion, which is a legit and useful bit when used that way. It can inform the reader that the conversation about to ensue may play a role in said opinion formation. (Certainly sincere conversationalists would want to know this??)

I agree with Amber that using IMHO or 2 cents doesn’t soften the blow if one is being offensive or rude, but I have to say 90+% of the time I see people using them normally, just like IRL conversation.

Why spend so many cycles in effect trying to “regulate” other’s speech? It’s ridiculous, especially considering the context–a call for candor. Sorry, this is just me being candid and not pulling punches.
.-= Steve Parker´s last blog ..The cult of failure =-.

Amber Naslund

Steve -

It’s so funny you say that, because after replying to a few of the comments, I was thinking to myself that I was letting the conversation get into a language debate, when that’s never what I intended. The IMO thing is just an example of the larger point I was trying to raise, which is the problem with over qualifying everything we say online.

Thanks for setting me straight.

Amber
http://www.tradeshowinstitute.com Traci Browne

I would even say they use “in my opionion” correctly, not just normally.

Not to beat a dead horse but here is what our pals Merriam-Webster have to say…

Main Entry: opin·ion
Pronunciation: \?-?pin-y?n\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin opinion-, opinio, from opinari
Date: 14th century

1 a : a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter b : approval, esteem
2 a : belief stronger than impression and less strong than positive knowledge b : a generally held view
3 a : a formal expression of judgment or advice by an expert b : the formal expression (as by a judge, court, or referee) of the legal reasons and principles upon which a legal decision is based

— opin·ioned \-y?nd\ adjective
synonyms opinion, view, belief, conviction, persuasion, sentiment mean a judgment one holds as true. opinion implies a conclusion thought out yet open to dispute . view suggests a subjective opinion . belief implies often deliberate acceptance and intellectual assent . conviction applies to a firmly and seriously held belief . persuasion suggests a belief grounded on assurance (as by evidence) of its truth . sentiment suggests a settled opinion reflective of one’s feelings .
Darryl

Very good Steve. But I don’t think this is about anyone regulating anyone’s speech. It is stating the opinion that “IMHO” and “IMO” is not owning up to the consequences of putting something out there. If someone wishes to use IMO so be it. But certainly there is nothing heavy handed or regulatory when someone else says: “I think it’s weak.”

You don’t have to agree with me and that’s OK.

We all have our opinions and I never consider it a waste of time to enter into conversation with anyone–whenever we discuss, even argue with open minds we both walk away changed–hopefully for the better. Can that really be a waste?

http://www.ccgriffin.net Carol Griffin

Interesting post, Amber. Well said.
http://www.ccgriffin.net Carol Griffin

Interesting post, Amber. Well said.
http://www.Lucythorpe.wordpress.com Lucy Thorpe

So let it ‘drive you nuts’ not ‘a bit nuts’ …then we can have the full force of your passion!
.-= Lucy Thorpe´s last blog ..Marketing:How To Win Clients Stylishly =-.
http://www.Lucythorpe.wordpress.com Lucy Thorpe

So let it ‘drive you nuts’ not ‘a bit nuts’ …then we can have the full force of your passion!
.-= Lucy Thorpe´s last blog ..Marketing:How To Win Clients Stylishly =-.
http://thecontrapuntist.com Miguel

Isn’t it possible that people use these phrases because they fear acceptance? I think this is a symptom of a great problem in society. All you have to do is look at what is happening with BP in the Gulf. It is clear the entire organization is at fault, yet nobody wants to admit that protocols failed and everyone is responsible for it. They don’t want to own the problem and work to resolve it. Instead, these turkeys want to hide from it and be held accountable.

We are so afraid of having the finger pointed at us that we lesson opinions with statements that lessen intent. We fear accountability because of the possible implications in the unknown future. We fear taking responsibility because we know employees and peers are watching and we don’t want to irk anyone.

Anyhow…interesting post. My head is swirling with many ideas now. Time to go think things out a bit more.
http://thecontrapuntist.com Miguel

Isn’t it possible that people use these phrases because they fear acceptance? I think this is a symptom of a great problem in society. All you have to do is look at what is happening with BP in the Gulf. It is clear the entire organization is at fault, yet nobody wants to admit that protocols failed and everyone is responsible for it. They don’t want to own the problem and work to resolve it. Instead, these turkeys want to hide from it and be held accountable.

We are so afraid of having the finger pointed at us that we lesson opinions with statements that lessen intent. We fear accountability because of the possible implications in the unknown future. We fear taking responsibility because we know employees and peers are watching and we don’t want to irk anyone.

Anyhow…interesting post. My head is swirling with many ideas now. Time to go think things out a bit more.
http://www.rebirthofpr.com Jeremy Fischer

I am strongly standing by the statement: You are only the second human I have encountered on this planet to use the word “milquetoast”. Congrats.
.-= Jeremy Fischer´s last blog ..Your Kids Can Be the Best Teachers =-.
http://www.rebirthofpr.com Jeremy Fischer

I am strongly standing by the statement: You are only the second human I have encountered on this planet to use the word “milquetoast”. Congrats.
.-= Jeremy Fischer´s last blog ..Your Kids Can Be the Best Teachers =-.
http://stayoutofschool.com Elizabeth King

“in my opinion” = “think about whether or not you you respect my ability to think and deliver ideas before i say what i’m about to say”
the subtext of this is “I could understand if you couldn’t care less about my thoughts”
which ultimately indicates a missing degree of confidence.

if you’re unsure, ask a question. if you’re right, stop being so damn apologetic about it.

kudos, amber.
.-= Elizabeth King´s last blog ..Fundamentals and Jazz, Part 2: Connection =-.
http://stayoutofschool.com Elizabeth King

“in my opinion” = “think about whether or not you you respect my ability to think and deliver ideas before i say what i’m about to say”
the subtext of this is “I could understand if you couldn’t care less about my thoughts”
which ultimately indicates a missing degree of confidence.

if you’re unsure, ask a question. if you’re right, stop being so damn apologetic about it.

kudos, amber.
.-= Elizabeth King´s last blog ..Fundamentals and Jazz, Part 2: Connection =-.
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