Quit Pulling Your Punches

Amber,

You make a good point on a new subject. I think many of us have been way to careful with our communication in hopes of not offending anyone. In person I am much more opinionated and direct. I am going to work hard to transfer this behavior online as well.

Thank you for sharing and making me feel more comfortable about this.
.-= David Benjamin´s last blog ..How to Work With a Recruiter =-.

Amber, thank you for writing this. I’ve not really considered this before but it makes sense. When I see “IMO” or “just my .02″ or any variation of those, I can see how it is often a veiled attempt to be polite while potentially offending.

It’s similar to the bless his/her heart… here in the South. My wife believes (and I tend to agree) that when people use bless his/her heart before saying something, it’s going to be kind of mean. I guess they think by softening the blow with a blessing makes it not as bad than just saying he/she is an idiot.

I especially appreciate the line, “…because the default setting in most dialogue is unadulterated and subjective opinion.”

- @vedo
.-= Richie Escovedo´s last blog ..The Social Media Silver Rule =-.

Hi Amber. Thought provoking post.

I don’t agree.

And while I’m not just saying that for the sake of illustration, that little sentence does help show what I mean to point out with my disagreement. Meaning, I fought the urge to write “I don’t completely agree” or “I agree to a point”, which are my actual feelings.

The qualifiers IMO and Just My $.02 (and Just Sayin’, in a more humorous way) make those non-irrefutable facts more your own. And they help you to say, “I understand what you’re saying. Here’s what I’m saying.”

Without them, the implication is often, “You’re wrong and I’m right” which is a hard way to continue the conversation.

Bottom line: Text is messy stuff. I agree with what you’re saying in some instances. Others, I don’t.
.-= bencurnett´s last blog ..5 Reasons You Need A Map =-.

I don’t know, Amber – I mean, I agree with what you’re saying to a point. But there’s part of this in the exchange of dialogue that is still about civility. “You’ve got your idea, mine is different, and I don’t want to come down sounding harsh about yours, but here’s my opinion and maybe there’s a right way here in the middle somewhere”? Absolutely removing a figure of speech might go too far into the thing you’re trying to avoid in the first place. If I can’t qualify these thoughts as my thoughts, then I’m actually less likely to share them.

IMHO.
.-= Rick´s last blog ..CONNECTING GOOD PEOPLE =-.

This is a great post. I often use, just my 2 cents, mostly to display a sense of sharing and not argumentativeness. (is that a word?) But there is no need. As you say, I should share my opinions and ideas and be proud that I have them.

I wonder if it’s a case of semantics at times. So often online, people think they are saying one thing and it’s taken in a completely different context by someone else. Then you have the back and forth and “this is what I meant” type of conversation. Then you get gun-shy and try to alleviate those issues with a disclaimer.

But that’s no excuse for not being able to have an opinion. In editing, I work with writers to take out the “I think” from every sentence. If it’s a statement and you stand behind it, then just say it!

I’m going to sidle up to bencurrnet on this one.

While I rarely use these qualifiers I absolutely feel the attraction. For me the lack of nuance in the form, particularly where we are constrained by length, drives the urge. Qualifiers are my attempt to bring you to that place in the conversation where I think you will understand what I am trying to convey.
.-= Jim Alexandfer´s last blog ..Open? Can’t we just call it Facebook Graph? =-.

This is great advice, Amber. I’ve blogged it myself, stated a little differently. Those of us with strong opinions–especially contrarian-leaning ones–have a harder time with this than others. That’s why they call it the “courage of your convictions.” It takes courage. While I recognize the need to be totally candid and own/dfend my opinions, I still sometimes pull the punch a bit. I wish I didn’t. I guess it’s just human nature. On some days your courage levels are higher or lower than others.

Manners and social etiquette may play an interesting role in this. No one notices but it’s like Twitter is some Jane Austen era throwback. You almost expect women’s avatars to have Victorian fans in front of them of the men to have muttonchops and stovepipe hats. I have never used the words “honored to make your acquaintance” to anyone IRL, yet on Twitter people are constantly “honored” by the praise or support of others. I think it’s simultaneously nice, interesting, ironic and hilarious all rolled into one. I think it’s a good sign for the human race that, when thrown into new social situations that have no rules for etiquette, we seem to overcompensate in hopes of not being offensive.
.-= Steve Parker´s last blog ..The cult of failure =-.

I wonder if the knee-jerk reaction people have to qualifying their opinions in a social media context stems from the long experience many of us have with regular old e-mail communication? I’ve observed that it comes down to the fact that most people are, in reality, terrible writers. That doens’t mean they aren’t good communicators, just that in face-to-face conversations they rely on tone, body language and the response of the people they’re speaking with to guide them. It is accepted that e-mail is meant to be casual (even in business, which is my biggest pet peeve) and people have done away with grammar and punctuation to a maddening degree. Thus, a casual style has become the norm as a way to compensate for the fact that most people don’t know how to write. I’m sure we all have experienced gaffes, some major and some minor, because intentions and tone were not expressed clearly in an e-mail. So we’ve become overly humble to make up for any perceived offense that might arise just because it’s all so badly written. I’m not holding myself up Hemingway or anything, I’m just dismayed by the lack of standards.

- Jessica

Great take! I think the disclaimers you mentioned (IMO, ect) are often used as substitutes for actually thinking through a position. People also think these things absolve them from the obligation to be respectful. Too many times we can see people choosing personal attacks over rational argument (eg. “I think you’re an idiot – IMO”), and believing that this is in some bizarre way appropriate.

I agree wholeheartedly – be honest, own your position, keep an open mind, and don’t be an idiot (IMO)

Though the usage of disclaimers to soften a personal opinion can be – or seem – disingenuous and overused, cultural courtesy really does encourage “softening the blow” of personal opinion in order to reduce the perception of aggression or offense. Communication in a textual medium can be a minefield of emotional miscommunication or misperceived subtext and that “IMO” or “for what it’s worth” is often a gesture by the communicator at conferring a less strident response. I’m a big fan of courtesy and manners – often in short supply these days – so it’s hard for me to take a genuine offer of “just my 2-cents worth” as anything more than an attempt to keep the lines of communication open during a discussion. I advocate for courtesy as long as it’s sincere…

I can’t think of another time where I’ve seen this important idea communicated. It’s one of successes essential ingredients. Outstanding post – thanks!
.-= Rick Ross´s last blog ..Taming Your Inbox, Part I =-.

… and stop hiding behind “I was just being snarky.” That’s simply a euphemism for “rude.”
.-= Mark W Schaefer´s last blog ..A voice from the Nashville flood: Social media as a lifeline =-.

Coco Chanel said “The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” Everyone is so afraid of being WRONG that they miss the chance to be anything.

Coco Chanel said “The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” Everyone is so afraid of being WRONG that they miss the chance to be anything.

I often wonder if social media has made us more like this (and yes, I know it exists in the “normal world” too)

We offer opinions on “names” and their views, and immediately 100 of their supporters lash out and call us haters. And the “names” in question do nothing to combat this, or call on their supporters to respect differing opinions.

While I’ll never pull any punches (something that’s landed me in hot water a few times), I can see why some might, if only to avoid the crapshoot of fevered supporters.

Thoughtful post, miss.
.-= Danny Brown´s last blog ..How Smart is Your Local Business Marketing? =-.

Great and thought provoking post Amber. I received a note from a friend regarding her blog the other day and she indicated that she didn’t want to “tick” anyone off with her posts. My question to her was why have a blog if you don’t want discussion from both sides of the coin.

It’s much like you say in the post “own” what you say or don’t say it at all. Am seeing more and more posts about pushing the envelope and being heard amongst the noise…glad to be adding mine to the wind via your post here. Cheers,

Andy

I agree whole heartedly and it can be taken a step further. In a world of text and written thoughts it’s the responsibility of the reader, the person on the other end of the IMO, to not read too deeply into what otherwise might be considered a bit of a slam. Have some faith in your readership, your voice and your talent to communicate
IMOs, my 2 cents, etc… we know. You’re not a bad person, you’re stating a belief. No need to back down from that.
.-= Matthew Dibble´s last blog ..MatthewDibble: @CDeltonWalker Isn’t that the truth, love having that in my backyard. Enjoy it, let me know what u think. =-.

I think some of this (Within the context of our jobs, at least) comes from our historical need to ‘tread lightly’ and ‘demonstrate the value’ of stuff we inherently know to be true to an audience of skeptics, scoffers and general naysayers.

We’ve been told that we need to tread lightly, that we need to phrase things in ways that people are already thinking.

In short, we’re set up to be timid.

Enough of this. The internet has been in the public eye for over 20 years. We’ve had email for longer than that. Get on the bus or get out of our way.
.-= Jeremy Meyers´s last blog ..Be a person-sized learning atom within your own community. =-.

I wonder how much of these qualifiers are the result of our online voice being shaped by unpleasant, at times, downright hostile debate. I cut my social teeth online via FPS clan forums. From 2001 up to now, I have made the majority of my online homes the discussion boards of one nerdy gaming clan after another and I have to tell yah panel, I have engaged in some flame-crazed verbal jousting on them there boards. As a systems admin, each time I send an email to my users, I have to be mindful to use language that speaks to the least tech savvy among my recipients. But in this case, I fully agree that these disclaimers are an increasingly less subtle method of merely pandering to those maybe not so well equipped to field contentious discussions.

I often get frustrated when I must rest my thoughts on a doyle before I can be somewhat sure they’ll be consumed as I planned. But still, we’re dealing with the written word and it does fail me time and again. I however, have always viewed these dicey moments as a chance to improve my message sending abilities. So I try very hard to avoid qualifying my statements. My online social communities are comprised of a mixed bag. Some can hang and some need a lil’ hand holding. I like this post a lot because it challenges us to stand by our statements and ask that others adapt. But I’m a bleed heart too, so I get to thinking about who I might have reached if I had used a pillow here and there. I want everyone to digest the message and while I don’t control that, I can influence it. So I dig this post and man, can this gal Amber tell a story. You are eloquent sister, no doubt about it. but in the end, I think I’d like to limit my disclaimers but know I can go to ‘em when I need to. Danke Amber. We’re smarter for this dialogue.

And then there’s us Canadians – who see fit to apologize for expressing our opinions. Sorry about that.

Going off to think about this for a while.

(Sorry)

.-= Susan Murphy´s last blog ..40 years, 40lbs – My Weight Loss Goal =-.

What a salient point – thank you for making it. It seems that as we have more and more opportunities to speak our mind with the continued growth of technology, we also have more and more opportunities to put ourselves at “risk.” People are all scared to be rejected, and that fear is what’s prompting this type of prefacing.

Point well-received. Will be RTing for sure!

-Ashley
.-= Ash´s last blog ..2 Minute Guide to Getting a Grip & Reclaiming That Thing Called Your Life =-.

Nope…I disagree with this one. Or I should say I agree with the idea of have an opinion, put it out there, stand behind it, don’t apologize for it, etc.

I do not agree that IMO, my $.02, and just sayin are ways of back pedaling or softening the blow. When I say, in my opinion, I mean it as it was intended to be used. I am saying this is my opinion and I understand there are other opinions out there that differ, but this is mine. Just sayin to me implies it is an opinion but on a topic that I do not take too seriously. It’s not a deal breaker let’s say. My two cents…well we’ve been saying that phrase forever. Yes it is intended to lessen the blow and honestly…it’s just my opinion but really, what is wrong with that? Sometimes saying someone’s baby is ugly is a bit harsh…but saying “you might want to take the baby out more at night and keep it inside out of the sun during the day, but that’s just my two cents”…is just a bit nicer no?

Ok, I will put this disclaimer: I haven’t read all the posts, just a few–so I don’t know if anyone has made the same comment I’m making below.

I agree with you Amber. The IMO (or even worse IMHO–HUMBLE? Are you kidding me?)–is really an attempt to disclaim. “Well, it’s just me saying…” I assume if you say anything it is your opinion or you wouldn’t have said it. If anything it is unnecessarily redundant.

A person does not have to be uncivil in their communication nor do you have to include the IMO to be civil. I think we tend to dash off an email without thinking and then throw in the IMO just in case.

Here’s a better idea: why don’t I seriously think through everything I type before I actually hit the “send” button? In the days before email and IM we were encouraged when angry to write a vicious letter, put it in the drawer and then read it two days later. Usually you ended up destroying the letter and writing one making the same point but with more class and propriety.

Now, obviously I’m human enough to fail at my own advice often enough! But it is still true. Too many people are guilty of typing and then sending before thinking.