Better

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Thomas's friends (the green ones)“I’m better now.”

That’s what my two-year-old says, clutching his Ghost Frog (there on the far right…), after a spill, or a tantrum, or a kiss for real and imagined wounds.

It struck me the other day, when he said it, that that’s how I want to be able to answer the question, “How are you doing?”

I want to be able to say, “I’m better now.”

  • I’m better now than I was yesterday.
  • I’m better now than I was five minutes ago.
  • I’m better now than I was five years ago.

I want, always, to be better. That’s actually a shift: once upon a time I wanted to be perfect…and it took me a long time to realize that while perfection isn’t possible, excellence is.

That can be hard to accept. A lot of us tend to see things in terms of black or white, so we put off doing anything for fear something within it won’t attain some ideal state. But life isn’t black and white. It’s about managing the gray.

Just this morning, while helping someone get back on track with their goals, I realized she and I shared something: for both of us, doing nothing was actually more untenable than doing something imperfectly. That, for both of us, doing something is always better than doing nothing. Doing nothing means no hope for continuous (or at least, continual) improvement, no hope for being better.

So the next time you’re stuck, or down on yourself, or paralyzed by perfectionism, ask,

What can I do, right now, that’s better than nothing?

If it’s better than nothing, then it’s a good enough place to start. It’s good enough to grow on, good enough to learn from, good enough to get better.

So, how are you doing? Are you better now?

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By

Tamsen McMahon helps people get from where they are to where they're going. She's also the Vice President of Digital Strategy at Allen & Gerritsen, and a Weight Watchers leader. She writes on individual change at PersonalCartography.com.

  • http://www.redboxcommunications.com carissao

    Ah, perfection paralysis. I've been there. As the daughter of a woman who, in many ways, came as close to perfect as you can get, I've spent a lifetime trying to measure up. And while I gave up on any aspirations of perfection some time ago, the ambition never truly went away and creeps up instead in situational bites. So, I know I can't be perfect as a whole, but…can't this one element, this one project, this one relationship, this one blog post be perfect? And while it's not a bad ambition to have, that attitude can be paralyzing too. It's what keeps you brainstorming but not executing, comparing instead of living, writing but not publishing. When I get these little attacks of compulsion, I have to step outside myself and realize that action–with good intention and sincere effort–is better than waiting for any form of perfection that may never come. Of course, I'm still working on it…

    Thanks for the post, Tamsen.

  • fichtnerbass

    My previous chiropractor had two sayings:

    In response to “How are you?” he'd reply “I'm great! But I'll get better.”

    and

    Good, better, best
    Never let it rest
    Til the good is better
    And the better best.

    They've stuck with me for 10+ years now as an approach to life.

  • http://membershipjedi.com MikeCassidy

    You've inspired some fine memories. My youngest daughter (now an 8 year old adult) still has “cuppy” some Disney bunny from the movie Parent Trap. “cuppy” holds all the secrets and makes her “better”.

    I'm better now, thank you. Continually must remind myself that perfect doesn't scale. So much better.

  • http://katjaibur.posterous.com/ Kat Jaibur

    I love “better”. Sometimes, we have to feel worse to get to better. And that's okay. Sometimes we get stuck, but it's not really stuck. It's “percolating” before being galvanized into action. After writing that damn perfectionist post that you so kindly linked to, I've found incredible freedom and things have been flowing like crazy. I do have to watch out (and advise my clients to do the same) for being busy for busy's sake. That's a real chaos creator. It's like the airline pilot who gets on the intercom and says, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The bad news: We don't know where we're going. The good news: We're making excellent time.” In my book, the best action is inspired action, which means checking in before charging out. Thanks for helping me remember that. I feel better now. :)

  • http://rickcaffeinated.com Rick Stilwell

    I'm inspired to do something to make it “better” – and unfortunately after a long week that one something that's rising to the top of my mind is a nap. :) But I'll be better for it, as long as I wait til I get home and don't snore at my desk.

    Seriously, your call on “managing the grey” is worth the price of admission. That is so right, and so many of us need to realize that doing something good, doing it well will pay off – most times, better than our previous “perfect” ideals might've been.

  • http://www.grizzard.com/author/epratum/ Eric Pratum

    I had a friend once, who would occasionally get to the point that I had to say, “Dude, do something. Are you just going to roll over and die?” The fear of not taking the right action was worse than not taking any action at all. It was amazing to me. For as long as I can recall, I've felt that, if I take action, I have a chance of improving whatever my situation is currently or could be in the future. No action to me means no opportunity for control.

    Recently, I read The Paradox of Choice. One of the sections talks about how our perception of control affects our happiness. It was fascinating. The book is a bit repetitive, but still interesting. For anyone asking themselves these questions, it might be a good read.

  • Gesmithmd2

    I love Civil War history. One of the things that was said about Abraham Lincoln was that even in the darkest of times for the Union, he was able to see things for what they were, not as how he wished they would be. This enabled him to do something so that things could move forward and get better, instead of wallowing in the shadows of despair and defeat. I try to adopt that attitude. Doing something, no matter how small, is usually preferable to just sitting there and doing nothing.

  • AmberNaslund

    I had a friend recently explain to me that he'd recognized the difference between creating turbulence and motion. I thought that was particularly apt, even for me.

    What I've also discovered is that motion for me can be unrelated to the item at hand. If I'm losing momentum, say, writing, I'll go clean the kitchen instead if that's where my head is. For me the “something” is defined by feeling progress. Even a rest can help me feel progress. Or mowing the grass. My personal and professional selves are inextricably tied, and so I'm learning that a little momentum on one side can really help the other, and that everything I do can have a point, but not necessarily a grand purpose.

    Does that make any sense?

  • http://twitter.com/Lovtoo Shawn Poh

    Hi Ms Tamsen,

    Too many people suffer from “paralysis by over-analysis”. This ailment, often caused by fear of something that may not happen and fear of the unknown, stops them from doing what they can and what they know.

    “Doing something that's more than nothing.” I think you just gave the perfect prescription.

    “Don't let what you can't do, stop you from what doing what you can do”

    Cheers on a great post!

    Kudos!
    Shawn

  • http://katjaibur.posterous.com/ Kat Jaibur

    I am so with you on this, really coming to believe that it's the tiny changes that add up. Often, paralysis comes from trying to take too big a leap, or feeling overwhelmed and not knowing where to start. Explains why one of my favorite movies is “What About Bob?”

  • Shewhois

    Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

  • http://twitter.com/_RobWilliams Rob Williams

    I really like that poem!

  • clintstonebraker

    Definitely “better now.” It is good for me to do that kind of evaluation. Whenever I begin a new project I have this unrealistic expectation of perfection. Not only does this lead to paralysis, it leads to a complete lack of humility. I don't know everything. I need help. Most of the time it is as simple as asking, yet asking can become an unnecessarily difficult prospect. THere is a lot to learn from the 2 year olds of the world!

  • http://twitter.com/tamadear Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    That's where outside perspective can be so helpful–we get lost in our own standards, sometimes, and lose sight of how other people see what we disparage for not being perfect. I'd say many more times than not, we judge ourselves too harshly. (And since I know you, Carissa, I can say with great confidence that your good intentions and sincere efforts produce results that many would envy.)

  • http://twitter.com/tamadear Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    Funny, reading your post made me remember that my parents frequently challenged me–even as a young child–to evaluate my own efforts (“Did you do the best you could do?”). Early lessons last longest, it seems.

  • http://twitter.com/tamadear Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    “Perfect doesn't scale.” What a great way of putting it. Thanks, Mike!

  • http://twitter.com/tamadear Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    That's right, Rick. Think about it: how many times does perfect come along? Rarely, if ever. How many times do “good” and “great”? A heck of a lot more. If we wait to only show the perfect, we don't show ourselves very much. But those who are willing to give up the perfect ideal actually have a lot more to show for their efforts.

  • http://twitter.com/tamadear Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    Thanks for the book recommendation, Eric–that one sounds right up my alley! I'm a big believer in helping people foster that perception of control. It really is up to us. There is always a choice (we're just not always willing to accept what that choice means).

  • http://twitter.com/tamadear Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    A say it a lot but one of my most important self-realizations was that “stress comes from wishing things to be other than they are.” In any situation, as I mentioned to Eric, above, we have a choice: we can act, or we can change the way we think about not acting.

  • http://twitter.com/tamadear Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    GET OUT OF MY MIND. Seriously: just yesterday I had this this thought: that we are all our own chaos theory. Each part of us, and our lives, is tied to every other part. A change we make in one area will effect change in another. Sometimes that's the best way to approach a challenge we're not yet willing to face, or haven't yet figured out how: approach a challenge you are confident about. Your success there will not only build your confidence for a different area, the refocusing of mental energy moves you out of the spin cycle.

  • http://twitter.com/tamadear Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    Thanks so much, Shawn! We're risk averse by nature, so it's not surprising that we so often cleave to the status quo. The status quo isn't a problem unless you don't like the status quo results. Often, just simply focusing on what results you want (i.e., “How do I want to feel?” “How would I rather see this happen?”) starts us on the path to figuring out how to get them.

  • http://twitter.com/tamadear Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    You're welcome!

  • http://twitter.com/tamadear Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    My prescription to myself when I'm in that situation: Assume you're wrong, even when you know you're right. ;)

  • clintstonebraker

    So true! That way the advice comes anyway and may be better than your own “right” answer!

  • http://www.grizzard.com/author/epratum/ Eric Pratum

    You're very welcome. The different studies discussed in the book are pretty fascinating. If you get a chance to read it, I hope you enjoy it.

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