Run Your Own Race

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Brass Tack Thinking - Run Your Own Race“But were you this successful when you were 27?”

I got that question in a DM a couple of weeks ago from a young professional, clearly trying to see if she’s “on track” in her career. It’s an all-too-common thing. We use the obvious yardstick that compares us to everyone else, based on the criteria that we can see: age, title, socio-economic status, personal relationship success.

The trouble is that everyone’s story is utterly unique. How I “got” where i am is totally different than someone else. My successes, failures, aspirations, and goals aren’t likely to reflect yours. Same for you, right? Your circumstances, choices, opportunities, priorities, obstacles and limitations? All different than the person next to you.

The only yardstick that truly matters is the one that measures you against yourself. Where you are now versus where you want to be, and what you’re doing to get yourself there.

It’s okay to look to others for a glint of inspiration, for ideas, for encouragement. But we don’t typically look to others and happily see how well we’re faring or how we’ve been inspired. We don’t use it as a positive motivator, not at all.

Rather, we look to those who reflect what we want to be, and drag ourselves into a shame spiral, lamenting all of the things we didn’t do, or the opportunities we didn’t have, looking to others as proof that we haven’t achieved what we want. We seek approval, reassurance that we’re on the right track, from people who don’t even walk in our shoes. And yet what we often see is where we’ve failed, where we’ve fallen short, what others have done that we have not.

We’re abusing ourselves with our need to be accepted, recognized, celebrated. We’re expecting our external circumstances and the patterns of others to define the people that we are, or the ones we must become. Instead, we need to run our own races, knowing that the only finish line that matters is the one we’ve set for ourselves.

My mom is a career executive assistant, and an amazing one. She’s utterly indispensable to the people she works for and with. Could she have compared herself to others in terms of rank, title, or age based on a generic notion of corporate rank = success? Sure. But that’s not her goal. That’s not what SHE wants, so the measurements according to those standards simply don’t apply to her.

This week, Inc. magazine came out with their list of the 30 “coolest entrepreneurs” under 30 And it’s exciting to see young professionals – some of whom I know and respect – recognized for doing progressive, interesting work.

At the same time, I can hear the quiet thoughts of many, many under-30 professionals self flagellating because they’re not in Inc. magazine this year, nor perhaps are they likely to be next year. I can hear the 30-, 40- and 50- somethings wondering what they did wrong in their careers that they didn’t get some kind of award or magazine article, wondering if they path that they’ve chosen is somehow less worthy because mainstream accolades aren’t likely to come.

Just because you’re in business, you don’t have to aspire to be in top management. Just because you’re a writer doesn’t mean you have to become a best-selling novelist. Just because you’re a runner doesn’t mean you need to win the Boston Marathon.

Your goals and aspirations are yours, and the path you take to get there will likely be as unique as you are. Your standards for excellence, for satisfaction, for achievement need not fit the ones you see around you. Ultimately, only you can determine whether you’re making progress toward where you’d like to be.

And if you’re looking sideways all the time, you’re very likely to miss the opportunities, paths, and people that are right in front of you.

image credit: mikebaird

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  • http://twitter.com/marketingfails Paul L'Acosta

    Excellent post Amber. It's uncanny the timing of it as I was thinking the same way yesterday and posted this tweet: “We start failing in life when we start copying others. Be brave. Be your true self.” (http://twitter.com/marketingfails/status/188667…).

    Thanks for the reminder!

  • http://twitter.com/caroljsroth Carol Roth

    Nicely said, Amber. Comparing yourself to others is a risky distraction that keep you from being your best. Only you can deliver what you are uniquely able to.

    Thanks for the reminder.

  • http://www.jeremymeyers.com/ Jeremy Meyers

    Very true. Also worthy to note (i think) that the way people get picked for these things is that they submit themselves. All those “best places to work” awards? It's not like PRWeek or Fortune have spies in every workplace in the country, rating on a grand scale.

    Getting mentioned in a magazine is an accomplishment, but its not the best just of whether you're on the right path. And it's easily gamed.

  • http://twitter.com/frankrebecca Rebecca Frank

    Thank you for this. It's a hard message to internalize at 23, but I'm doing what I can.

  • http://www.internet-bard.com KatFrench

    I think that the DM you received is partly a generational thing, Amber. It reminds me of an article I read about Millenials in SKY magazine, on a recent flight. The “needing a report card to navigate life” thing was something I had noticed but not really consciously articulated before.

    Not to say that people of other generations don't do the “comparisons” thing. But I think for twentysomethings, it really is like a replacement for getting a grade sheet every six weeks. It's about needing an “objective” standard to measure their progress.

    But what you've nailed in this post is, there is no such thing as an “objective standard” to measure YOUR progress through YOUR life.

    Hey, I was one of those straight-A kids myself, in school. I'm a Gen-xer, and I was as addicted to checking out what “percentile” I fell into as anyone. It took years of life experience to teach me that outside of school, the “percentile” is pretty meaningless.

  • http://dresramblings.com Andre Natta

    Hey Rebecca, it's a hard lesson to internalize as I'm about to turn 35 :)

    I don't know if it will ever get easier, but hopefully we'll stop having to be like the Joneses and be content living in the world as we want to and not as others want us to be.

    My best piece of advice would be to take it one day at a time and celebrate your successes. That's what I try to do every day.

  • http://candidkatie.com Katie Morse

    Great advice, but darn is it hard sometimes!

  • ambercleveland

    It is uncanny that you mentioned the Inc. article because I just read it this morning (@dc2fla would call that “cultivated serendipity”) I thought after reading, hope I can make it on the under 40 list because it is too late for the under 30…but if I do make that list, it isn't for someone else, it's for me. I think that it is great that you emphasize that “Goals and aspirations are yours.” Frequently others advise as to what the path should be, but it is important for people to chose their own path and I really like how you tee that up for them. (Some people would say, “Don't aspire to be on that list.” and instead you say, do what's right for you…really appreciate that.)

  • http://www.kherize5.com Suzanne Vara

    Amber

    Great to see this being addressed in such a well spoken manner. Some of us are competitive and set goals for ourselves whereas others look at people who they perceive to be above them (and many times they are) and think I want or need to be at the same point they are at that age. What is interesting to that is that the person looking to be “there” like “that” person never considers how, why and also if “that” person has attained their goals. We look at people who are we believe and ultimately label them as successful because they are mentioned and popular? Their blog traffic is higher or their fees are higher or they are the CEO? What were the circumstances that got that person to be there?

    I see a lot of people who are doing just what you have said here and while it is nice to define a goal for your own success and use “that” person's accomplishments to stride for, it is almost impossible to compare. Times are changing and people are not spending 20 to 30 years with the same company as they did in the past. There are more opportunities that are open where they were not before.

    In situations like these, it would be refreshing to see someone ask so, how did you prepare yourself over the course of the years to get to where you are now?

    @SuzanneVara

  • http://www.pjmullen.com/ PJ Mullen

    It is very difficult to not look at how your life or career is going as compared with your peers. When I was first starting out I turned an internship into a full time job paying nearly double what my friends were making before I even got my degree. I had stock options worth millions before my boss did some bad things and blew it for all of us. Then I started my own business at 27 and fell flat on my face. The first 12 years of my professional career is an interesting mix of failure and success, mostly failure.

    Today I'm a stay at home dad to my two kids and I'm doing all I can to prepare for the next stage of my career when that time comes. I have friends that have built and sold companies, are writing books, drive fancy cars and are being promoted to positions with impressive titles while I blog about my life as a dad, drive a minivan and change diapers. However, I wouldn't trade places with them for an instant.

    It took me a very long time to get to this place mentally, but now that I'm here I have a much greater handle on how I am and what I really want in life better than I ever could have when I was in my 20's. Now in my mid-30's I know that if I'm meant to have great success in business it will come when it is my time. If not, I'll take comfort in knowledge that I did the right thing for my family.

    Great post.

  • http://twitter.com/frankrebecca Rebecca Frank

    That is good advice. Now all I need is to quiet the little voice that tries to make me tear down what I have been able to achieve. Any advice on the topic would be welcomed!!

  • http://stayontargetcoach.com/ Coach T

    By comparing ourselves to others, we are limiting who we can become. Sometimes I have to make that statement my mantra.

  • http://www.dadtoday.com Stefan

    great words. very encouraging and so right on.

  • LindsTR

    Amber, thanks so much for writing this. Sometimes it takes words like this from other people to reel ourselves back in and realize that we shouldn't measure our success by looking at other people's success. We are all unique individuals. Acknowledgment in a magazine, for example, may equal success to one person, but it doesn't make other people any less successful for not being recognized. I consider myself successful if I meet the goals I set for myself — not the goals other people set for themselves.

    Thanks for sharing!
    Lindsey
    @LindsTR

  • emcgillivray

    Thanks for the reminder. I wish there were more reminders like this out in the world.

  • W B Smith

    Thank you for writing this. I'm in my early forties and in the middle of a career change, this is great advice that should be re-enforced.

  • http://rickcaffeinated.com Rick Stilwell

    Sitting here at 42 and it's tough to not compare to the 20- and 30-somethings. :) However, I can say that being true to yourself and following that path with passion and hard work pays off so much more than worrying about how far someone else has gone or what their paygrade is. The adage “if I knew then what I know now” is hogwash, because the only way to know anything well enough, deeply enough and meaningfully enough is to live through it over the long haul.

    So for me it's not about comparing myself to the younger crowd, but more letting you/them inspire and challenge me to great things.

    Excellent post, Amber – thanks for that. Again. :)

  • http://twitter.com/joey_strawn Joey Strawn

    Excellent post Amber. It's inspiring to see success surround you, but it's all the more important that you judge for yourself what success is. Just because someone might be in the 30 Under 30 and successful, who's to say to someone else, having a stable family with 3 well-behaved kids and enough money to live comfortably isn't success?

    We all have our own race to run and the best part about that is we get to decide where the finish line is.

    Thanks for writing this today.

  • http://www.86753oh9.com Jenny 867-5309

    So very true! Locally we have a 40 Under 40 listing and it blows me away how many 39 year olds I've heard say, “I've got 1 year left to pull out the punches and get on that list so I can mark it off my list.” WHAT?!? What does it do for your career? Who are you servicing by getting this? Most of them aren't entirely sure what that list even means.

  • http://nikkistephan.com Nikki Stephan

    Amber – thanks for this. As a young professional who does the exact thing you described in this post all too often, this is a reminder I need to carry with me daily. It's so easy to get sucked into the comparison game!

  • http://dresramblings.com Andre Natta

    I've turned to meditation as a way to clear my mind and be comfortable in my own skin. I find it hard to fight that battle every day, so I've also started to stay away from things that may cause me to feel that way, including people that may be just a little too sarcastic or negative about things in general.

    All of that said, it goes back to finding a way to be comfortable with your accomplishments and to simply enjoy it. I keep a daily list of things I've accomplished which ends up being much longer than my to-do list. It helps me know that I'm working towards a goal and that things are happening.

    I hope that helps.

  • http://www.adoncreative.com Anne

    Great article! very hard to do but need to be true in our life…

  • http://twitter.com/megfowler Meg Fowler

    I'm terrible with the comparing in every area of my life.

    But I'm working on being happy with what I've done and who I am according to where *I* am supposed to be, not where *they* are. It actually has gotten easier with age, though — now I can finally recognize the benefit of doing things on my own schedule, and creating my own path.

    Oddly enough, it's gotten better as I've gotten older. I would've thought I'd be all the more desperate to tick things off my to-do list, but I think I've learned more about how to push myself and strive without making everything into a competition.

  • http://www.honeybeeconsulting.com startabuzz

    This is, indeed, a hard lesson to learn. It's something that I have to tell myself each and every day. What I've done in my life, professionally and personally, mightn't be what I set out to, nor does it jive with how some others define success. But I'm happy. I love my career; I love what I do, and I'm good at it. I might not make a gajillion dollars doing it, but I'm OK with that. I've reached a point where I am happy with the choices I've made and have stopped trying to strive for others' definitions of success.

    Wonderfully said, Miz Naslund. :)

  • http://twitter.com/JanetAronica Janet Aronica

    Amber you're in my head. I totally read the Inc article and thought for like one little second “Janet you only have seven more years!!” I'm an extremely competitive person but if I want to be happy I should focus more on my own goals and strengths than on others.

  • http://hanshageman.com Hans Hageman

    Excellent observations. To paraphrase a line from Bhagavad Gita, “There is only the work.” As someone who works with under-served youth here, in India, and Africa, I have come to the conclusion that I am part of the Long Defeat (see “Lord of the Rings” and Dr. Paul Farmer). I'm now older, had my 15 minutes of fame, and I am now more attentive to the signs on the path that have nothing to do with cheering crowds.

  • http://twitter.com/steveolenski steveolenski

    When I was 27 I had a can of Spam for a brain. The only smart thing I knew was I found the one person, and to this day, the only person who can stomach me for more than 5 minutes… my wife.

    I tell people that all the time… especially “kids” who are in their 20s. I tell them I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. No clue. Course still not sure only now I'm a dad and husband…

    Thanks for the inspiring post, Amber.
    Steve O

  • owriter

    Great article. Thanks so much. I have had many twists and turns in my nearly 30-year career. I have thought these thoughts. Had tremendous highs and devastating lows. I’m sure we won’t figure out our true measuring sticks until its all over. What we may chose to measure with may totally be the wrong instrument. So, again, thanks for a meaningful and insightful article. This IS what it’s all about. http://www.otable.com

  • http://twitter.com/GlassHalfFullPR Jessica Griffin

    Right on.

  • Emy Burbackdiaz

    Thank you! It's so easy to forget this, but we are our own benchmark. Ralph Marston said, “Excellence is not a skill, it is an attitude.”

  • http://patalexander.com Pat Alexander

    Why are we always trying to be someone else or keep up with someone else? When I was climbing the corporate ladder I only had men to measure myself against so I just dug in and pushed forward. You need to figure out where you fit, be the best YOU you can be and be happy in life.

  • http://www.thinkcreatedo.com/ DNux

    Amber – superb post! I would only add this one suggestion: Write down the goals you have for yourself – so you have something objective to work towards. Personally, I liken this to that of stepping on a scale… the facts become quite real when I write them down. :)

  • http://twitter.com/Buffalogal Nicole Shoe

    I love this. I compare myself too much to others. It's one thing to say that I will not do it, but it's another thing to NOT DO IT. And of course, MTV doesn't help.

  • Kim C.

    Great blog post! This is the part that most resonated with me –
    “Just because you’re in business, you don’t have to aspire to be in top management. Just because you’re a writer doesn’t mean you have to become a best-selling novelist. Just because you’re a runner doesn’t mean you need to win the Boston Marathon.”

    thanks!

  • http://www.womanzworld.com/ Natalie Sisson

    So god damn true. Well put. Well received. Well timed. Thank you!

  • Katgordon

    What's great about today (versus just 20 years ago) is that we are all free to invent greatness in ways that were previously impossible. Have an idea? Launch a website. Have something to say? Write a blog. Want to be there for your kids? Work flex-time. There has never been a time in history when we could write our own tickets — on our own terms (not someone else's). I feel blessed to be pursuing my potential now — not in my mother's or grandmother's generations.

  • clintstonebraker

    Interesting. This is a phenomenon that begins very early on. Comparisons to others and developmental yardsticks begin for most people within their first year of life. It's no wonder many adults have a difficult time running their own race. I am a firm believer in deciding what success is for yourself. To me this is the only way to develop meaningful partnerships and relationships. Thanks for a thought provoking post!

  • Heidi Griesmer

    Excellent post. So true!

  • http://twitter.com/bc42 Brian Ellis

    We have a habit of grading ourselves against some perceived bar that was set by someone else doing something else. I was a successful restaurant manager for many years, then in my late thirties I gave it up and went back to college. I own my own business now and it can be tough not to look at the others my age (especially at high school reunions), and their success. Tough not to grade myself against them. But my business is growing and I make sure to celebrate the little wins. I keep focused on my next step, not the end of the journey.

    Great post. Thanks for sharing :-)

  • http://www.convinceandconvert.com jaybaer

    A good reminder. It's not a zero sum game, however. Lots of people (me included) use the successes of others as motivation. Not because I don't want to play my own game (I probably play my own game too much), but because it keeps me driving forward, and not resting on laurels and past successes. As long as that motivation remains secondary – not primary – I believe it's an appropriate pilot light.

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  • Sarah W.

    This is so inspiring, Amber. I feel as if you were takling directly to me. Thank you.

  • http://budurl.com/xg5p Iya Luna

    This article is fo apt! I feel this generation is experiencing the longest “winter of discontent.” It doesn’t help too that the successes of other people are daily being rubbed right off our faces with Facebook and other social networking sites pervading our lives. Who wouldn’t be turning green with envy when a college friend posts photos of her lavish vacation in the Caribbean. Or when a friend tweets the opening of his seventh bar in the metro. Indeed, we must learn to focus on what’s ahead of us instead of being waylaid by the sidelines. Being in touch of ourselves and our capabilities helps us to form aspirations that are within our context.

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  • Joy

    Thank you for the reminder – Race on!

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