Changing Your Habits in 3 Steps

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Do NOT think of a pink elephant. DO NOT.Our habits shape us. They’re the actions we repeat, over and over again, that make us who we are.

They come in many forms. Our routes to work. Our patterns of speech. What we eat. Or drink. How we approach a challenge. How we spend our days.

There are times, of course, when we want to change a habit. But we can’t just stop them. Our brains can’t process “stop” without processing “go” first.

(Try NOT thinking of a pink elephant, and you’ll see what I mean.)

When we want to drop a habit, we need to drop something else in its place. We need to replace habits that complicate our goals with habits that contribute to them.

How?

1. Acknowledge

We have to admit we do something before we can change what we do, or how we do it. That may seem obvious, but our habits are often so ingrained in our unconscious that we tend to notice only their (often negative) effects.

So look at those effects. Reverse engineer to find the cause. Find, and own, the pink elephant sitting in the middle of your room.

What are you doing (or not) that’s interfering with your goals?

2. Accept

It’s counterintuitive, but we do even the worst things for a good reason: it makes us feel better. Maybe just for a moment, maybe for a while. Accepting that fact—that there’s positive intention behind even negative behaviors—puts us in a position of power. It lets us move past the questioning, the guilt, the blame and into action. Into change.

But we can’t let ourselves stop there. Why? Because our intentions don’t matter if the results don’t measure up. In addition to accepting why we do what we do, we also have to accept that it’s not working.

What are  you trying to do for yourself?
 Why isn’t it working?

3. Act

Most of the time the reason our habits don’t work is that we’ve assigned the wrong solution to our problem. Whatever the habit is, it usually isn’t a habit that actually fixes the problem. The habit hides it. Denies it. Dulls it.

But the problem—the reason we’re indulging in destructive behavior in the first place—is still there. If we really want to change our habits (and that’s something we need to wrestle with, too), we need to work on two levels: we need to work on the underlying issue (resolve the work stress…build our self-esteem…whatever) AND figure out what we can do instead.

But the paradox of choice is real: we can’t just come up with one other thing we can do. The choice between what we’ve always done and some new alternative is no choice at all—our brains are too wired into the habit that’s served us (not so) well for so long. We have to come up with multiple other options that can accomplish the same goal.

So ask yourself, what else could you do to vent your anger? Make you feel relaxed? Give you a sense of control?

What are you willing to do instead?

•

Acknowledge. Accept. Act.

Can you do it? Will you?

image credit: SooperNoodles

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By

Tamsen McMahon helps people get from where they are to where they're going. She's also the Vice President of Digital Strategy at Allen & Gerritsen, and a Weight Watchers leader. She writes on individual change at PersonalCartography.com.

  • http://www.carlstips.com Carl

    I love the pink elephant. That's not how I visualized mine.

    The advice you give is what I tell my students. “What other way could have you had handled that”

  • ambercleveland

    Reminds me of a saying I use, “What you resist, persists…” when you re-direct your resistance, you change how much energy you are giving to the original issue. This change of focus/re-direction is more likely to generate results you are pursuing. Great food for thought!

  • http://brasstackthinking.com Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    We need options, and most importantly, we need to figure out our alternatives when we're not in the middle of the situation we're trying to change. Figuring out other ways to handle something–with particular attention to those actions that can really satisfy the underlying need–is critical to finding behaviors that morph eventually into positive habits. Thanks for commenting, Carl!

  • http://brasstackthinking.com Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    Yes, yes, yes, Amber! Figuring out what we really want, and collecting alternatives that accomplish that, is a fast track to results. What isn't working? What WILL?

  • http://katjaibur.posterous.com/ Kat Jaibur

    This is very sound advice. The tricky thing is that in Accepting, we need to not beat ourselves up. Otherwise, acting becomes impossible. A favorite saying is “Up until now.” As in, “My ___ has often been a struggle… up until now.” Then think of one small change you can make that is the opposite of what you've been doing. Success breeds success. Start smaller than you think you “should”. Great post, as always, T.

  • joeystrawn

    Yes, yes. I found myself nodding along as I read this, which for me is huge sign of agreement. I kept thinking, “How many times have I tried to stop doing something that was a bad habit?” The answer is a lot, but I always find myself consciously or subconsciously skipping one of the above mentioned steps.

    The question that you end with (Will you?) I find is the most important question to ask and honestly answer whenever I work with someone or deal with myself. Usually, we have the means to make the changes we want, it's the willpower (or lack thereof) that tends to get in the way.

  • joeystrawn

    Yes, yes. I found myself nodding along as I read this, which for me is huge sign of agreement. I kept thinking, “How many times have I tried to stop doing something that was a bad habit?” The answer is a lot, but I always find myself consciously or subconsciously skipping one of the above mentioned steps.

    The question that you end with (Will you?) I find is the most important question to ask and honestly answer whenever I work with someone or deal with myself. Usually, we have the means to make the changes we want, it's the willpower (or lack thereof) that tends to get in the way.

  • clintstonebraker

    I love this article. The technique I have been using and teaching recently is: Remove, Replace, Repeat. I find people get frustrated and give up when they don't see immediate results. They often forget the habits they have formed have taken years to imbed. Thank you for the perspective!

  • RebeccaOsberg

    I think perhaps the hardest part of putting this post into action is identifying what my habits are that hold me back. I am probably too close to myself to understand what I am doing that is not beneficial to where I want to go. Perhaps I'll ask some people to critique me :)

  • http://brasstackthinking.com Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    I love that “Up until now…”–thanks, Kat! About those “tiny changes”: I was saying to some folks just this morning that, at the point of departure, the degree of change always looks small. But follow those lines out for a while and it becomes clear just how big the effect of that little change is.

  • http://brasstackthinking.com Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    Ah, willpower. It's a tricky thing. Most of the time when we talk about it, we actually mean it in terms of “not want” power–I want to suddenly not want something I actually do want (which is crazy).

    If the answer to “will you?” is “no,” then (rather than beat yourself up, as Kat cautions us against, above), we need to moderate what we're asking of ourselves. It's about finding what we ARE willing to do, and doing that.

  • http://brasstackthinking.com Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    You're welcome–and that's a great mantra for approaching habit change. Thanks for sharing it!

  • http://brasstackthinking.com Tamsen McMahon (@tamadear)

    That can be the hardest part! Outside perspective, though sometimes hard to hear, is often the fastest route to discovering what we've become blind to in ourselves. Even if the critique isn't accurate, it makes us stop and think, and assess what is.

  • joeystrawn

    Amen

  • http://4thress.com Carl Thress

    Good point about the positive motivations behind all of our habits (both good and bad). Even avoidance, which motivates many a bad habit, is intended to protect us from a perceived negative outcome. Those “good intentions” can make it very hard to accept that a bad habit is not working. Thanks for the reminder that step 2 cannot be completed until we acknowledge that a change is necessary if we hope to improve our lot. Like the saying goes, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.” We humans truly are a crazy, messed up bunch. :)

  • http://www.pushingsocial.com Stanford @ PushingSocial

    Tamsen,
    It took me a day or so to really get what I liked about your post. Here's what resonated with me – no matter what the habit is – we created it and we have the power to destroy or strengthen it. We are in control.

    Along with that – I'm reminded of the power of “Accountability” having someone else make sure you don't believe your own B.S. and “Feedback” – Setting up a way to assess your progress. I know these have helped me a great deal.

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  • MCafiero

    I think two of the biggest hurdles for me to change my bad habits are: 1) the fear of failure – what if I make these necessary changes but the outcome is not what I wanted?; and 2) perhaps I don't always believe I deserve to be successful. I guess both of these can bubble up into a self esteem category since the fear of failure can also mean you lack faith in yourself.

    I love your post. These step-by-step tips keep me from feeling overwhelmed when changing bad habits. Thank you!

  • http://twitter.com/ndeschenes Nancy Deschenes

    Thoughtful article, again, thank you.

    I'd like to add the the question of “willpower” that often, the easiest way to help our willpower is by changing the context. Some small, even silly things can help a lot more than we'd think: if there's no chocolate in the house, we're less likely eat any; a beautiful manicure can remind us to not bite our nails… But indeed, if we don't acknowledge and accept what we're doing in the first place, changes to the context are unlikely to be enough. We have to attack the problem both from the outside and the inside.

  • Nancy Cawley Jean

    I LOVED this post — I'm such a creature of habit and it kills me to make changes, but you've give such great advice here that now I have to! THANKS!